Author: Anonymous

My personal experience.

I was born in a pretty bad family, my father was addicted to gambling and my mother ran away from home. When I was 15 years old, studying in junior high school grade 3 (equal to the ninth grade in US), I was raped by a neighbor. I soon found myself nauseatic and vomiting, but as the internet is not so advanced at that time, I could not get any necessary medical knowledge. I did not know I was pregnant. I still went to class every day, until one day I passed out while walking on the campus.

When I woke up, I found that everyone was looking at me in a strange way, and later I learned that it is contempt and hostility. It was not a big school and the news spread crazily. The ordinary girl suddenly became the focus of everyone’s whispering. When I came into the classroom, the classmates instantly became silent and stared at me.

My father punched me hard when he knew it. He gave out lots of nasty words which I had ever heard in my life. Even now, in  midnight, his roar is still recalled in my ears. He slapped my face, my head was buzzing and then he kicked my chest violently. It seems incredibly lucky that my child survived.

My father was not going to take me to the hospital, he just wanted to make the child disappear using violence.

Later, the mother of my neighbor who raped me came to my house, she promised that she would give my father some money if I gave birth to this child. My father agreed for that money.

Please do not feel weird. Our house was in a remote village in China, few people have law awareness. If you do not believe, you can watch the Chinese movie “Blind Mountain” which is a profound reflection of this social reality .

My neighbor’s mother was eager to have a grandson because her son’s wife gave birth to three babies which were all girls. If my baby was a boy, she promised that her family would be good to me. I was  instinctively resistant. I did not want to go their home! ! ! I can not express my disgust at the old woman at that time. But there is no way, I was forcibly taken to my neighbor’s house. I yelled, refused to eat, head against the wall, made troubles. I hope someone would hear and save me, but the fact is that nobody came. The women in the village who heard my cry would shout “shameless whore!” “Do not cry like a ghost!”! In the end, I had no strength to speak.

In the middle of the night, I tried to jump the window and ran out but was caught. Later, they followed me all day long. When they had to leave for a moment, they tied me to a chair using the clothesline.

The old woman tried to persuade me almost every day: “a girl would eventually marry someone and have children, we provided me good food and drinks, then why you are not happy in my home? If your baby is a boy, our family will treat me as a benefactor!”

I felt tired and did not make trouble after that because my belly was growing bigger day by day. I felt too uncomfortable whenever sitting or lying down. I could not stay in one position for a while because I would feel sore. I vomited whatever I ate. The old woman would not let me take a shower. I had a bad smell. I could only take a damp cloth to rub myself.

They invited a midwife instead of taking me to the hospital. I did not get any professional care. It is lucky that I did not die.

I really felt despair at that time. After giving birth to a boy, I lied down in the bed and nobody took care of me, though they promised that they would treat me well if it was a boy. I felt extremely thirsty but no one gave me water. The old woman just came to see me when the baby needed breastfeeding.

My body slowly recovered. I have to admit that humans have really strong vitality. Nowadays, pregnant women can not imagine giving birth without doctors and nurses, right? Maybe my humble life is more tenacious. Ha ha.

Then I leave the town with other villagers to work in the factory as an assembly line workers. When I have a little money I pass the adult-education college tests. I study costume design and then opened a small tailor shop, now living in Guangdong at the bottom society.

I will certainly no longer go back home. I want to get my son away from that environment and I’m working on it. I’m much better now. I have no boyfriend and do not intend to get married in my life. Ten years have passed and the wound was healing slowly.

Although gender equality is a popular topic now, in the bottom of society, it remains a fact  that women are taken as tools to give birth to the children.

In adult education classes my teacher recommended me a book “White Deer Plain”, I think Bai Jiaxuan’s mother’s attitude illustrates the problem: a woman is paste paper on windows. If it is broken, then take another new one to paste up. I have no contact with the big shots, I feel that many people around me have the same idea. So my view is that girls can read or study, learning will not cause harm.

Today I can talk about these things calmly. When I just came out of the village,I was afraid to speak, always lowered my head.


I know that most readers are highly educated and high-quality people, it may be difficult for them to imagine such a thing. In fact, it was also hard to imagine life outside for me. There’s a very broken private college at the county town in the area where my home is located. There are few people in the county can study in that college and they will be treated as mayor (like emperor) in my village.

I went through labor and had to breastfeed my child, and the family did not say anything. And then I had no milk in a few days. The old woman thought I was too useless and  threw me out of the house, I did not come home, along with others I worked out in a factory in the town. I had been working for less than a year, the man suddenly came to my factory’s dormitory, pulling me back home with him, I desperately struggled, shouted for help, and finally got some onlookers. The man told them, this is my wife, stay out of it! They all scattered. He brought back because his family thought that one boy is not enough,  they want more. The old woman said: an only son wouldn’t be respectful to the ancestors. Your belly has not disappointed, you should quickly have more, giving their family a few more sons.

That night I jumped out the window again, when I start my steps, someone saw me and shouted: XX, your woman is running away! So I was brought back by a few men.

At that time, I felt worse than I was pregnant because the man raped me almost every day. I thought about suicide, once and for all, but the old woman guarded me really tight. I could not find any opportunity. When she went out for some time she would tie me up. Maybe my postpartum recovery was too bad, I could not be pregnant again in more than two months. Later the old woman got a treatment from an unknown source that if she put some peanuts in my body and then I could have a baby. So every night I was not only humiliated by the man, but also the old woman. During that time I resisted intensely, so almost every day I was tied to the bed. Waiting for nightfall, the demon came back to torture me, and then the old woman again contently put six peanuts into my body.

The opportunity came when my father died. According to our customs, I had to attend his funeral, burn paper money and bow down. The old woman had to put me out from the house. In order to prevent my escape, she used hot charcoal to burn my feet and made two blisters. But I was too eager to escape and did not even realize the pain on my feet. Our custom is that the coffin has to be made beside the dead, so generally the carpenter would drive a very old tractor or something, to transport woods and tools. I climbed up into the tractor, hid inside a pile of woods and escaped.

I dare not to continue working in the county, I got a little money from the fellow workers which I previously deposited there, bought a train ticket and sat more than twenty hours, came to Guangdong and continue working.

Now I own a small tailor shop and I feel quite satisfied. I enjoy working every day. I feel much much happier than before! Please do not laugh at me, I feel pretty great when I turn fabric into nice clothes. (blush).

I  have to appreciate my adult education teacher. He recommended books to me, taught me to use computer and mobile phone, taught me to speak Cantonese. I have nothing to return for his help.  I can only weave a thick sweater and give to the teacher every year.

In my home town, a lot of girls only finishes junior high school, and then began to work for their family, marry and have children early. If I stay there, I can not escape that fate even if there is no rape.

So I still feel very happy and lucky, although I’m just a tailor with a fashion designer’s dream. When I see models walking in the small TV like an angel, I particularly hope that they do wear clothes using my design. (please do not laugh at me).

That’s it, I’m going to start sewing.


tricky part:
1.Why the girl does not call police for the rape?
2.Why the girl’s father does not call the police either?
3.Why it is very important for her neighbor to have a son?
4.What is the movie “blind mountain” about?
5.Why the old woman does not let the girl to take a shower before giving birth?
6.Why they invite a midwife instead of going to hospital?
7.What is a midwife in China?
8.What is the book “white deer plain” about?
9.What is a paste paper on windows?
10.When the man came to the factory and pulled her back home. Why she struggled desperately but the onlookers did not do anything?
11.Why the man who raped her declare that he is her husband?
12.Why she has to burn paper money in her father’s funeral?